BTK-My story of FEAR!

"BTK" - Ask anyone who grew up in Wichita, Kansas in the '70s, and they can tell you what those three threatening letters stand for. I was four years old on January 15th, 1974, when the man behind the acronym, "BTK killer" found his first victims; four members of the Otero family - Joseph and Julie Otero, and two of their children. The Otero's 15-year old son, Charlie, came home later that day and discovered the bodies.

So began my story of fear. Two blocks were all that separated my family from Charlie's. Two blocks were not very far away from evil. I found fear and lost a bit of innocence that day.

This man went on to kill a total of ten people between 1974 and 1991. Almost as sinister as the killings themselves was his brazen correspondence with authorities and the local newspapers. He sent taunting letters describing the details of his crimes.

A childhood game of hide-and-seek became my tormenter. I wanted to play outside with the older kids, but inevitably, one of them would start yelling, "BTK is coming to get you." I gave myself away every time by sprinting from my hiding place to my front door.

Fast forward to 1996, when I had my first child. Then came two more stair-steps. I realized early on that someone could hurt my children. I spent my waking moments making sure they were safe and out of trouble. My nights were a continuous nightmare. I would sneak into their bedrooms to make sure they were still there.

And guess what? My kids did get hurt. Their feelings got hurt on the playground, they had multiple sports injuries, and they suffered failures. I obsessed. I also began to drink to cope with the fact that I couldn't protect them.

On July 4, 2008, I lost my mind. We'd only lived in our new home a few months and workers were still finishing last-minute details. On that hot summer day, we'd all been at the ball field, sunup to sundown. Later in the evening, as I carried a load of baseball gear to the basement, I noticed our back door was wide open. I panicked; what if someone had taken one of my kids?

I dropped everything to look for my children and found that my middle son was GONE! We searched the house, the neighborhood, and in my crazed state, I grabbed a shovel. I guess I was going to take his abductor out with one fatal blow? The police wanted details; what was he wearing? When was he last seen? I didn't have answers. I was rendered mute. Images of Elizabeth Smart and her kidnapping ordeal consumed my thoughts.

For any mother who's ever been through the agony of having their child go missing, you know 60 seconds can feel like an eternity. A kind female police officer found my son that day. SOUND ASLEEP (half passed out from heat exhaustion) at the foot of his brother's bed. We'd yelled his name IN that room. He was under a blanket with a pillow covering his head. It never occurred to my husband or me to examine under the blanket. The fact that the back door had blown open was a cosmic coincidence.

AGAIN, fear and its side-kick, anxiety, took up residence in my soul. I'm a Christian woman. I believe in the power of prayer, but I didn’t think God “got” it. He couldn't save me from the energy of my mind; or so I thought.

Only one thing could save me...WINE! Wine quieted the racing thoughts. I could drink away the need to protect. Inside the bottle, I found my new best friend. She provided safety, comfort, and a soft place to land…for awhile.

She also stole from me. She took precious time away from my husband and boys. She stole my ability to be flexible. My human friends knew if they wanted to go out to dinner with me, I would need to control when, where, and what time. This need to control was done so I could hurry home to my BFF.

The most significant thing alcohol stole from me was my health. I began having health issues. Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and adrenal burnout became new words in my vocabulary. Depression, migraines, and weight gain accompanied this diagnosis.

I went on a "health kick." I started on bio-identical hormones, Naturethroid, vitamins, and minerals. A friend of mine and I started kick-boxing. I made it a priority to fit in a nature walk every day. I cut out gluten and reduced my sugar intake. I did everything BUT give up my best friend. How could I? She was helping me get through the stress of raising teens and having my oldest fly off to college.

February 28, 2018, changed all of that. I was still struggling with depression and not feeling well. That morning, I decided enough was enough. A college-age friend told me, "It's all in your mindset." Those words were life-changing. I decided then and there I'd change my mindset and break up with my fake best friend.

I'll be honest, I white-knuckled my way through those first three months of my new alcohol-free lifestyle. Then, through an online source for support, I found Annie Grace. I immediately ordered her book, “This Naked Mind” and I knew I’d found my answer. Her methods blew my mind.

Annie and “This Naked Mind” taught me that I wasn’t flawed or broken. I wasn’t a detestable person because I spent so many years trying to drink my fear away. I was human, and a cunning, deceptive substance had deceived me.

I began to thrive, and learn and live again!

I found SERENITY!

You can read more about my path from fear to serenity here: (blog under construction)

The best news is, a deeper thirst has replaced my state of fear. I thirst for connections with others, and I want to drink in laughter. My desire for adventure, life, and love has returned.

So, I ask…

What do YOU thirst for?

I'll help you replace your thirst for alcohol so that you can start living again.

CAROLYN BENNETTAUGUST 13, 2019