Not That Kind of Love Letter

Dear Me,

Do you remember when we used to spend hours together?  Just you and me, walking along creek beds, watching the tadpoles swim, comparing the different stages of their life-cycle?  We'd often name them and make stories up about their futures.  We got muddy and sunburnt, but we didn't care.  We were in our little slice of heaven, and we had each other.  Sometimes, we'd walk to the local library and sit for hours at a time in the back of the children's book section, lost in the wonderful life of make-believe. How could we be lonely when we had each other? 

Always and forever...

But somewhere along the way, I left you!  I left you sitting there, a lost little girl who had to chase the wishes of others to make herself feel alive.  You gained your strength from the smiles of strangers, and you learned that what you had to say didn't matter much.  You shuffled from household to household, often finding comfort in the home of a friend.  You wondered where in the world your parents went when you lived at Grandma's house.  Why did they move to a different city, leaving you behind?  Why did they expect you to move to that city with them in the summertime?  They didn't understand the heartache you felt over leaving behind your tadpoles, only to move back to Grandma's again to attend school in the fall.  Such a scary adventure you had to take all alone.  

I am sorry I abandoned you, lost and wondering which way to go.  I'm sorry I didn't love you enough to teach you that what you think of yourself matters so much more than what your peers, teachers, and neighbors think.  All the times you were clamoring for attention from anyone who would toss it your way, I'm sorry.  For the times when you were so scared that you couldn't even cry yourself to sleep at night, I'm sorry.  

I should have told you that it's ok to be yourself.  I should have asked you to hold onto the true essence of who you are instead of losing it to the pleasure of those around you.

I should have protected you.

I should have cared for you.  

I didn't do any of those things. Instead, I said things to you that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy.    

But, you waited for me!  You loved me enough to have the patience of 50 years.  I can't believe you still love me and that you welcomed me with open arms.  

I promise I will never abandon you again! I will nurture you until you remember how wildly beautiful you are.  I will tell you every day that you don't need to look outside yourself to find acceptance.   I will show you that you were made in God's image and that with Him on your side, you can accomplish anything you set your sights on.  

All of those years when I thought no one understood, you were there, jumping up and down, my biggest cheerleader.  I was so far removed, I couldn't see you! I promise never to overlook you again.  

When I almost drowned in the bottle, you were there, holding me up.  I love you for having the courage to start yelling loud enough for me to hear you. I love you for visiting me in my dreams, encouraging me to keep going.  I promise that you don't have to yell any longer. 

I hear you.

I will always trust you.

I will never leave you again.   

Be Beautifully, Wildly You!

Love,

Carolyn