Day Eight - How To Lose A Narcissist in 30 Days

You Can't Think Your Way Out

Why can't I figure this out? Why am I back and forth; should I break off this friendship, or should I not? I've often left my abusive partner; why can't I stay away?

These are the questions I hear people asking themselves. You cannot reason your way out of an abusive relationship and the trauma it causes. Even though our brains love to solve puzzles, this puzzle is impossible to figure out by thoughts alone. You can, however, put your life back together and come out of the relationship stronger than you can imagine.

Let's examine some of the pieces of the puzzle:

We often try to use willpower. We believe we can work through or change this relationship if we hold out long enough. Many people I interviewed rely on willpower once they've left the relationship. This thinking has a flaw: New research on willpower shows that it is finite. It's like an energy reserve; when it is low, there is only so much we can do to refill our tank. We can use willpower to resist short-term temptations such as not answering a text, but it will only buy us time; like a fatigued muscle, it will eventually give out.

Decision fatigue - this goes hand-in-hand with willpower. We must make hundreds of decisions daily, from what we wear to work to whether or not to take a lunch hour. Our minds are drained by the end of the day.  

This fatigue can lead us to the "what the hell effect." It might keep us trapped in the toxic cycle for one more day. We're too weary to make another choice. We expend energy thinking about if we should stay or go, and eventually, we get to the what the hell..and it can paralyze us.  

So, what can we do when our brain is weary? When it's exhausted all its resources and can't solve the puzzle...  

We can gain clarity around this relationship, seeing it for what it is. We can shine the flashlight in all dark places and record what we find in our journals. That's an excellent first step. You may experience emotions and physical sensations when you write in your diary. Your pulse may quicken, and your body temperature may rise, causing discomfort.

It's essential to tune into our bodies and, as Melanie Tonia Evans says, realize " this person is a catalyst in your life who is showing you all the parts of yourself that are unhealed and unconscious, and that it isn't about them – instead it is about healing you." Recognizing that we cannot reason away from the effects of abuse allows us to tune into what the body remembers.

The seat of the trauma is not in our heads; it is in our bodies. Trauma comes back as a reaction, not a memory. It's why you can feel it in your body first. Traumatic memories are not stored properly in our brains, so it is impossible to "think" ourselves to health.

Your body keeps the score, so the best way to restore health is from the bottom up.

There is hope. You can begin to heal and release this trauma through quanta-freedom healing with Evans at https://melanietoniaevans.com/blog/what-is-quanta-freedom-healing/

Somatic therapy is a fantastic healing modality for those who have experienced trauma or are living it daily. Somatic therapy operates on the idea that what happens to you in your life is stored not only in your mind but also in your body. Focusing on both the physical sensations in your body and the discussion of your problems - it is a comprehensive approach to therapy.

Read more about this type of therapy here: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-somatic-therapy-5190064

And check out the Workout Witch https://www.instagram.com/theworkoutwitch_/ for easy trauma-releasing exercises.

And stay tuned for more ways to thrive and heal. I’ll touch on this topic repeatedly in this blog, “How to Lose a Narcissist in 30 Days.”