Day Seven - How to Lose A Narcissist in 30 Days
When we look at our journey with the narcissist through the lens of the life cycle of a butterfly, we can begin to see that growth must happen for us to take flight! We all enjoy the newness of the relationship as a content caterpillar, often gorging on attention and love-bombing. And just like the fat and slow caterpillar, we begin to understand there is an issue only when we feel uncomfortable.
The first stage of change occurs when we recognize that this relationship is not serving us and that the person we're in a friendship with is exhibiting toxicity. Just as the caterpillar stops munching on delicious leaves, we must give up something we believe we need for our source of love, friendship, financial security, or popularity. The caterpillar is lucky as his genetics take over, and he begins to weave a chrysalis (cocoon). We, on the other hand, must choose to change our circumstances.
What would it look like if you took the next few weeks to visualize yourself in a protective cocoon as you get curious about your relationship? You can take this time to journal any time you recognize the abuse cycle. Now that you have the vocabulary around this type of relationship, I encourage you to put labels on your circumstances. For example, when your coworker begins denying the truth of something you saw happen with your own eyes or heard with your ears, journal about it and write the word"gaslighting" beside your journal entry.
Do the same when your partner suddenly stops answering texts or will not respond when you speak to them. This is a common abuse tactic - label it as such; silent treatment.
Give yourself time to go through this stage of growth. It can feel shocking to realize that this person you once adored follows the playbook of every other narcissist, so please give your conscious learning and subconscious thoughts a chance to interact. Continue to bring yourself back to reality by reading blog posts or listening to a podcast on toxic relationships. It's okay to take this time to absorb all the information you can find. You will eventually want to direct your discovery toward self-care as your wings grow, but remaining in a safe space as you learn is perfectly ok.
Just as the caterpillar turns to mush before becoming a beautiful butterfly, you may feel your world is crumbling and that you're losing yourself. I assure you, you're still in there and will emerge strong and capable on the other side. As Beth Moore says, "If we don't seek freedom, we seek shelter," so please don't plan to stay in this cocoon forever. You were meant for flight, and you'll know when you're ready to step out of the cocoon and let your wings expand.