Day Six -Glossary - How to Lose a Narcissist in 30 Days
If you're going to "lose" your Narcissist in 30 days, you will need to know how to talk the talk!
Here's a glossary of some essential terms with links to many more!
If my terms seem offensive or derogatory toward the narcissist, please keep in mind I am trying to help victims to see things clearly.
As the author of narcwise says, I advocate for education to raise awareness of what is going on when stuck in the cycle of abuse with a narcissist. Learning standard terms is essential to de-fog the mind, escape, and begin recovery.
https://narcwise.com/glossary/
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectation of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes. As defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (2013). (DSM-V).
Overt narcissist - big arrogant personality, entitled, selfish and demanding but often charismatic, confident and witty.
Covert Narcissist - secretly arrogant, superior and passive-aggressive but mostly quiet and introverted. They appear to be the shy type.
It’s easy to spot the overt, while the covert easily slips under the radar because they can seem inoffensive on the surface.
https://melanietoniaevans.com/blog/how-to-spot-a-covert-narcissist/
Narcissistic Supply - People with narcissistic personality disorder depend emotionally on others to sustain their sense of identity and regulate their self-esteem. They get their narcissistic supply either by idealizing and emulating others or by devaluing and asserting their superiority over others. Anyone they can manipulate—a partner, child, friend, or colleague—is a potential source of supply. Without suppliers, narcissists are empty husks.
Narcissistic Injury - Narcissistic injury occurs when the narc perceives that their concepts of grandiosity, superiority or power are threatened. Reactions to injury can include rage, paranoia, envy and/or general distress. https://narcwise.com/glossary/narcissistic-injury/
Narcissistic Rage - Narcissistic rage is triggered by a narcissistic injury when the narc perceives that their concepts of grandiosity, superiority or power are threatened. Expressions range from minor annoyance to violence. https://narcwise.com/glossary/narcissistic-rage-2/
THE NARCISSISTIC ABUSE CYCLE
Love Bombing - A period of intense positive attention from the narcissist that can include excessive flattery and declarations of love, mirroring (when the narcissist mimics the partner’s body language, behaviors, and actions, future-faking (Narcissists make grandiose promises about the life they plan to lead with a partner to fake intimacy), gifts, sex, domination of the partner’s time, and fast-tracking the relationship. The result of these actions is an intense bond, where the partner becomes very vulnerable to, trusting of and dependent on the narcissist. https://narcwise.com/glossary/love-bombing/
Devaluation - This is the second phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle. Devaluation contrasts starkly with idealization, where the narcissist deliberately seeks to undermine and disempower the victim and keep them insecure in the relationship by using control and power-based manipulations.
Because the narcissist lacks a moral compass, they do not hesitate to express their disappointment in a range of devaluing hostile behaviors, including judgment, belittlement, and rage, if not outright abandonment.
Discard - This is the final phase of the narcissist’s cycle of abuse, where the threats made in the devaluation phase are carried out by rejecting and abandoning the victim, at least temporarily. They usually try to recycle victims when they are low on narcissistic supply, so beware this may not be the final discard.
Hoovering - named after a brand of vacuum cleaner, is a tactic meant to “suck” a partner back into the relationship. It happens after a period of silence during which the partner and the narcissist are not in contact. The narcissist tries to suck the victim back in by applying irregular bursts of love bombing, keeping hope alive for victims that the relationship could improve and the narc is a good person underneath it all.
What characterizes this type of contact after a break-up with a narcissist is that it is insincere; no behavior change will occur if the partners reunite.
MORE ABUSE TACTICS:
Gaslighting - The manipulation of information and/or the environment to confuse the victim into questioning their perception of reality and mental health.
Read more here https://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/definition/gaslighting/
Moving the Goal Posts - Continuously shifting and redefining expectations so that they can never be met. This is a form of gaslighting and used to reinforce feelings of worthlessness.
Triangulation - Using a third party in a conflict to make the narcissist appear in high demand, to manufacture emotions, or to gain further narcissistic supply. It's a way of playing people against each other. You can read more about this insidious tactic here - https://melanietoniaevans.com/blog/beware-of-these-5-narcissistic-triangulation-tactics/
Silent Treatment -Refusal to communicate as a form of punishment. Employed to convey your decreasing and contingent worth to the narcissist depending on your ability to meet their supply needs. Can run from hours, to days, to weeks, to months. However long it takes for you to learn your lesson and amp up provision of supply.
Word Salad - A nonsensical, circular, erratic ‘pastiche’ of words, statements and views commonly used when either in argument with the narcissist or when attempting to hold them to account for an issue.
AS YOU BEGIN TO FIND YOUR VOICE:
As you begin to find your voice and gain the courage to end the toxic relationship finally, there are some things you can be aware of to speed up your recovery.
No Contact - Removing all contact with the narcissist, including face to face, phone, email, letters, social media – all contact. No responding, no reaching out, nothing. Precipitating this significant and often extremely painful decision, is for protection and the desire to cease the cycle of abuse.
Six ways to prepare for going no contact https://melanietoniaevans.com/blog/6-ways-to-prepare-when-going-no-contact-with-a-narcissist/
Smear Campaign - Intentionally spreading false information and gossip, to discredit, undermine, control and isolate victims. The narcissist will employ flying monkeys to do their bidding.
Flying Monkeys - Third parties recruited by the narcissist to perpetuate abuse on their behalf. Flying monkeys are enablers and supporters of the narcissist, believing in their manipulations. These guys protect and defend the narc and are frequently used to spread further the effects of smear campaigns or to gather information sought by the narcissist.
*After no contact, you will want to evaluate your circle of trust. It's ok to only share your journey with a few well-tested, trustworthy friends and family, preferably people who are not friends with the narcissist. https://melanietoniaevans.com/blog/flying-monkeys-the-minions-narcissists-use-to-do-their-bidding/
Aftershock- Aftershock happens because you’re no longer in the fight which has kept you engaged. You’ve got space away from the narcissist to feel the onslaught of the abuse from yesterday, last week, last month, and all of the previous years, and when it hits it feels like a freight train.
Aftershock feels like overwhelm, deep despair, total heartbreak, and so much more. One of the big things about aftershock is the obsessional thoughts of what happened, what should have happened, what could have happened, and you go over and over it in your head, but you don’t get resolution.
You feel so exhausted from aftershock, it’s like you can barely function. You may barely be able to get out of bed, eat, or sleep, and your PTSD symptoms of adrenaline surges, and panic attacks are really heightened. It feels like you’re going crazy, and you wonder how you’re going to survive these feelings.
I really want you to know it’s actually a very rare individual who doesn’t suffer from aftershock. It’s so much more common than not.
There is hope. The aftershock will not last forever - https://melanietoniaevans.com/blog/aftershock-why-you-feel-worse-after-leaving-the-narcissist/